is it ok to fight with friends?

Have you ever been mad at a friend and not sure if you should tell them or not? Or have you ever felt bad for being upset with a friend and unsure whether or not you have the right to be? Maybe you and your friend are both mad at each other and too stubborn to admit what you did wrong… well, this week, Tori & Chanel are answering the question “is it ok to be mad at a friend?” because THEY WERE IN A FIGHT! Hard to believe, we know, that our favorite pod besties could ever be in a fight, but alas, they did warn you that they have very different personalities and sometimes their friendship doesn’t make sense. The girls felt it was only right to address the fight after talking it out and sharing it with you, friends of the podcast, so you too can see that friendship fights are normal and not every fight leads to the end of a friendship! They address how miscommunication can often lead to disagreements and highlight the importance of communication and creating a safe space for each other to express their feelings. 

Don’t worry, there are some lighter topics first. Tori expresses her challenges in finding the perfect bridesmaid dress and Chanel shares a personal work experience on how she tackled her fear of public speaking. 

All the tea is in this episode!

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Transcript

Glad we Talked (00:00.75)
you

Glad we Talked (00:21.23)
and welcome back to Glad We Talked podcast. I'm Tori. I'm Chanel. Chanel, I'm excited about today's episode. Really? Yeah. Why'd you just roll your eyes? I didn't. You're like Chanel. Oh, I don't know. I just... You're like feeling so passionate. I put eyeliner on and my mascara and for some reason I don't You're feeling yourself? I don't have fake eyelashes. Yeah. But I'm just feeling like my...

eyelashes are very long. Oh, you did say that before. Yeah, I don't know why. So that could be why. Yeah, you're like trying to like see again. I'm fidgeting. They're in your peripheral vision. I stopped using eyeliner. Why? I don't know. I just stopped it. I think because like of COVID and my makeup. I noticed today that my makeup has changed and I haven't been using eyeliner as much. So I did it today and I'm like, is this what it's like? I don't know. Things feel different. Yeah, it feels different. Okay. It looks nice. Thanks. Um.

So what's been going on? A lot. Yeah. Your bridesmaid dress shopping. This has consumed my life. I know. I have ordered, I don't even know how many dresses. I have three of the same Jenny U dresses and one in each different size. And then I ordered a bunch from Reformation. I tried on at Reformation. I feel like my life is currently just like scrolling to find new light blue dresses for my brother's wedding. I know that feeling.

So you're allowed to get a dress that's blue, but any style. Yes. So Maggie, my brother's fiance, made like this kind of Pinterest board where she pinned a bunch of styles and colors that she liked. And she's like, you don't have to buy any of these, but this is the vibe. So it's kind of different shades of blue, different patterns and stuff, like very pretty. And there's plenty of dresses. I'm just struggling to find one that fits my body comfortably.

Yeah, which is like so nice that she lets you guys pick your own style and dresses. Yes. But I'm almost like, just tell me what to wear. Because then I don't have to go through this. Sometimes it's easier. And there were ones from the list that I really liked. So I bought them. So they're the Jenny Yu one I really liked. It's really pretty. It's strapless, light blue with like this pretty embroidered pattern on top. And I ordered it in an 8, 10, and 12 because I did the measurements. Yeah. I did this for the reformation dresses too.

Glad we Talked (02:43.054)
to see what I am and I'm like in between an eight and a 10 and sometimes a 12 based on the guidelines. It's very confusing. Anyways, all three of them didn't fit. Jesus Christ. It's either they're like too big on the top and tight in the waist or being in the waist and too big, like just too big in general. You might be better with those bridesmaids sites ordering something custom versus a size.

true but it makes me nervous. Why? Because what if I order it and then it doesn't come in the right size like it doesn't fit right. But it's literally custom. They make them to your measurements. Oh. So like for I got a bridesmaids dress from Azazi which is a great site actually and they have like really nice pretty dresses which you should take a look at and they're not super expensive. Okay. But you can put in your custom measurements and they literally send you a dress to your your measurements.

But what if I don't like the fabric and the material and like the, I know that cause I've been looking at um, birdie gray and I don't know her. She's, she's a like in revelry. I think I mentioned that in the past. My friend, Julianne told me about revel, revelry where you like try, you can try on like different styles. It might not be the right color and you can get swatches and mailed to home and try them on. And then you can give them back your, what you want.

I don't know, I'm just nervous. It's stressful. I had a wedding last September that I tried on probably 50 dresses and I hated every single one and I didn't even end up loving the one I ended up going for anyway, but it was always something. I mean, I have a really big problem with my chest, like finding a dress that fits my chest. So I would see something online and be like, that looks good on her and then I would get it and I'd be like, this doesn't look good on me because my chest is too big and it's like.

little triangles made for a big chest. I'm like, how is anyone supposed to fit in this if they're like above a size B? And then I know you were saying you're having issues with like the lower part of your body. It's like you would want to get a size that fits your lower part, but you didn't then it's big on top. It's like, why haven't we figured this out yet? It's, and I don't know. I felt like I like the reformation dresses I've gotten, but a lot of the styles, like I just.

Glad we Talked (04:59.022)
They're bigger sizes that I'm getting, but they're still not made right for someone with hips or curves. Yeah. Usually when you do get curvy, you have to size down because you're always used to sizing up because you're always trying to fit your hips or whatever. But if you do get a curvy line thing, you should usually size down, which is what I found. Interesting. Yeah. Because they make it already so that they take your waist and hip ratio into account. That's what I need. I need the...

waist and hip, that's my problem is I'm like, I'm a pear shape kind of, and I do have a bigger chest, but I'm just not finding something that's like, that waist is meeting what I need. Without having to alter everything. Yeah. And I think you should get like an A -line. Yeah. I have to look for different. I think that's it. Right now the styles are for at least where I'm shopping. It feels very straight. And it...

I like it. I want it to work, but just like, I don't want to spend this money on the dress and then have to go get it altered because a lot of them work and I could wear them, but I have to get them altered. Which is like another expense. It's like a hundred dollars on top of what you've already spent. Right. Yeah. So I'm just, I'm exhausted. I know it's exhausting. Maggie, if you're listening, I'm sorry. It's not, I'm not complaining.

I know it's just a real struggle that girls go through just trying to find something that fits their body. That's like with anything. It's like shopping for literally anything. Jeans. I was going to say jeans. It's like, it's, it's just, it's a struggle. And I literally went through this so many times with weddings that I was in or not in. Sometimes I found it harder for weddings I wasn't in. Right. But I think you're not as stressed because you're like, I'm not in the wedding. So, and I think sometimes they're made better. Maybe it's the bridesmaids thing. They're so used to people getting them altered anyways.

Yeah, the bridesmaids dresses are like a very different material than like normal dresses. They're like on its own. Yeah. They're on its own thing. I'm just finding with the bridal industry in general, like my mom was joking. She's like, you found her wedding dress quicker than you found your dress for Maggie's wedding. It is actually so true. It is. It is. Yikes. I know. But it's, it's also the experience of going in in person. Yeah. And you, and you want to like,

Glad we Talked (07:12.27)
look good. Like you want to find something that you feel comfortable in. You're going to look at these pictures forever. It's your brother. Like you want something that is going to look nice and do you feel comfortable in? And it's like, why is that so hard? It shouldn't be this hard. I mean, there's plenty that look nice or just not. They're not it. Yeah. It's like, I'm justifying it. I'm like, well, this will work, but I'm not comfortable. Yeah. You know, anyways, that's what I've been doing a lot lately. So what's your next step? What are you going to do?

Well, I need to return like the thousand dollars worth of fries. That's tough one. You definitely need to do that. Get that off your credit card girl. I know. And then I ordered one from Lulu's too, but it feels really cheap. Lulu's is hit or miss. I open it. I was like, Whoa, what in Barbie world? Some of my favorite dresses that I have that I've worn to weddings. I have an anthropology one that I really love. I got one from Azazi, which I mentioned. What's, I always get this confused. The new.

The new one that like updated, it's not Airy, it's not American Eagle. Abercrombie. Abercrombie. I can never remember which one it is. They have great stuff. I know you've mentioned this. I was thinking maybe I have to check them out. Yeah. So just maybe like branch out a little bit from Reformation. Yeah. I think I need to. Yeah. It's not working for me. They have pretty styles, but they're made for very specific body types. They are. And that's apparent.

when I try them on. Unfortunately. Yeah. So that's, that's next steps. Okay. Branching out, returning and branching out. Returning my thousand dollars worth of dresses and looking elsewhere. What has been going on with you? Um, I conquered a fear last week. Really? I know this. I'm not, I'm just pretending to ask. You're like, what? What can it be? I have no idea. So I think I've spoken about it before, but I have a fear of public speaking.

and I got asked by a brand to introduce a panel and kind of moderate throughout the program, like introducing speakers, moderating the audience Q &A. And my immediate thought when I got the email was absolutely not, I would never. But I sat with it for a little bit, I digested it. I literally took a day to, not a whole day, I responded to ask for more details, but I took a day to really think about this is something I wanted to do. And I was like, in the grand scheme of my life, I want...

Glad we Talked (09:30.478)
to be someone who can get on stage and do something like that. Like someone that could have a podcast. Like I really do, like I want to be a person who can go on stage and talk in front of people or give a presentation and not pass out. So I was like, this would be a really good opportunity for me and it would help with growth and my confidence, but it's just like getting there just felt like such a hurdle. Anyway, I said yes and I was literally freaking out the whole week.

I get into like fight or flight mode, public speaking. Like I'm literally like, how can I get out of this? Like I say yes and then I'm like, okay, so what do I do to get out of this? So did your job ask you to do it or? No, the brand asked me directly. Wow, that's so flattering. I know. It was someone that I had met previously and we went for drinks and she just like thought of me when the opportunity came up. So it was really flattering and I felt so honored to be asked and it was like such a big brand that I was like, I can't say no to this. Good. So.

I conquered my fear and I did it and I practiced a lot the night before. I had my little cue cards. I really, really just tried to like stop overthinking it so much. I also bought this book, Don't Believe Everything You Think. I saw it on TikTok and everyone's talking about how it like changed their life with overthinking. I actually want to talk about this. Is it about specific to public speaking or just in general? No, it's a book about how...

we think too much and how to stop thinking so much. And it's like thoughts versus thinking and how you can like maybe stop overthinking so much so that your anxiety doesn't creep in. I haven't finished the book, but I started it. And the story of our lives on the podcast. I literally. When have I ever finished a book? Like, why can't we just finish it? I haven't started it, but. I haven't finished it. But it's just supposed to help with your anxiety and your overthinking. And everyone who's read it is like, this book changed my life.

And I already, I started reading it and it just talks about how like thinking is the cause of our suffering. Like we are causing our own suffering. You don't have to tell me that. I know and I'm like, this is so true. So it's like, okay, so how do I stop doing that? So that's the part I need to get to. How do you stop thinking? Right. Just become like, it's crazy. And I'm like, if you think about all of your thoughts that are happening, like for instance, like when I was about to public speak, I'm just like,

Glad we Talked (11:50.254)
what's gonna go wrong, what's gonna happen, what am I gonna do wrong? And I just kept having these thoughts and I'm like, no, stop. You can sabotage your own self and I didn't wanna sabotage myself or get in my own way. So I started the book, I thought it helped a little bit. Because I noticed when I was doing too much thinking and I was like, okay, stop. Does it give you coping mechanisms? It does, but I haven't gotten to that part. Oh, okay, so you just were like, stop.

It already helped me realize when I was thinking too much. That's great. Yeah. One of the tips that my therapist gives me, um, because I struggle with intrusive thoughts and anxiety. If you haven't, you, yeah, me, this is your first time listening to the podcast. Me? Am I the problem? We just had a technical issue. She know how to switch headphones. So in the video I had black headphones and now I have pink headphones. Perfect. Okay. So.

My therapist gave me a coping skill for when I have intrusive thoughts and it's kind of to think of a river and then like a leaf or whatever is floating down the river when I have a thought, like assign it to a leaf and be like, okay, here's my thought, that's intrusive. And then I just like let it go. I think you've talked about this before. I talked to another, there's like the five, four, three, two, one. Yeah, that one. That one's really helpful when I'm really, really, really anxious. Like when I can't stop.

focusing or what's the word?

When I can't, when I'm fixated and my anxiety just can't do anything else and I'm constant. That's when I do the five, four, three, two, one, and I'm kind of ground myself with my surroundings. This one's more like when I'm having multiple thoughts and I'm kind of like, for example, like if I'm having a hard time falling asleep, it's like picturing the river and just seeing the leaf on the floating on this leaf, my adhesive thought floating on the leaf and okay, like.

Glad we Talked (13:42.862)
here it is, here's the thought and like letting it go. And it just like kind of calms. I like these cause they're like more natural because I considered multiple times taking a Xanax and I was like, I really don't want to do that. I also, I take it on flights and it makes me sleepy. So I'm like, I don't think that's the way to go. Yeah. I was watching - Definitely not before public speaking. I know. And I was watching a documentary on Xanax. It's not, it doesn't, it's like not pro Xanax. There was a guy on it who was saying he took Xanax all the time for public speaking and he had a fear of flying. I was like, is this man?

Is he me? Are they correlated? Who knows? Maybe it's like a controlled, maybe it's like an out of control thing. I don't know. But he said he takes the unix before public speaking and I was like, I just can't picture that. So I like things that help me do it naturally because like I need ways to just conquer it without feeling like I need to turn to something like that because that's not the problem. Yeah. I don't want to like solve. That's not the solve and I don't want to like solve my problems that way. Anyway, I did it. temporary fix.

Temporary fix exactly. And I think that's a lot with this book too. You have like a temporary fix and then there are there are ways to control your thoughts breathwork coping skills, you know That are more like you're saying natural, but there are ways to help you cope before just medication Yes, exactly, which I think is just like the way to go. So and I got there I got less nervous I think part of it was like not knowing what the stage looked like not knowing what the

the audience look really. Yeah. I think part of it was like, I couldn't picture myself up there. So that was like one part. I was like, oh, that's interesting. And then, so once I practiced a little bit, we would did like a whole stage run through. I was like, okay, I feel better. I feel better. The thing is like when I'm up there and I'm like looking at the words, I start to like panic. So that's what makes me the most nervous is like knowing that I might panic in the moment. So I'm like already scared of panicking, if that makes sense. So.

I just had to keep telling myself while I was up there, I'm like, you're gonna be okay, you're fine. Like I literally was saying this to myself. I'm like, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. And I'm like reading the words. And I heard, I know, and I heard my voice shake a little bit while I was like up there. And I felt like I had tunnel vision. And I'm like panicking and I'm still going, I'm still going. So the whole thing finishes. People come up to me and tell me I did a fantastic job. I'm like, oh my gosh, thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Glad we Talked (16:06.434)
you know, obviously this was like a big deal. And I watched the video later and you literally couldn't even tell. I, I'm like, how is this like what I felt in that moment when I was on stage, I was like, I can't see anything. My vision's blurry. My voice is shaking. My mouth is dry. My lips are doing this weird quivering thing. And then I watched the video and I'm like, this is not what I thought I looked like.

I think it's so funny. Your mind will play tricks on you and your body will just respond differently. And honestly, you probably were feeling that way all of maybe a minute less then. It's like, you're just, you're so built up and it's like, you know, it's like all this like pent up energy and anxiety. You're just like, what do I do with myself? And it probably wasn't that long. So like this moment that you were talking about with panic before probably was like a month, like 30 to

90 seconds and then in reality it's like, okay, that happened and then the rest you just easily assimilated to. Once I was up there, I felt better and like it got better as time went on obviously, but it's just like insane how powerful your mind is. And you really have to like take steps and to not let it overpower you because it can be so powerful.

So what advice would you have to anyone that struggles with the fear of public speaking? And do you think that you'll have more confidence the next time? Like, I'm sure you'll still feel anxious, but like what from this experience have you learned to take with you the next time so that you're not as nervous? So I think the fact that I saw the video after and I didn't look how I thought I looked helped me be like, okay, so when I am panicking inside, no one can tell. So like that's like first thing. It's like,

it's so much worse in my head than it actually is in reality. And I think like practicing really helped me because I noticed when I was practicing the night before and I was practicing in front of Martin, saying the words for the first time was nerve wracking. So even saying it in front of him, I was nervous, but I was like, oh, it's because I've never said the words out loud. I've only said them in my head. So I practiced like five or six times in front of him. So I think that helped. And I think the day of doing the whole run through and meeting people and everyone was so nice and like welcoming, I think like,

Glad we Talked (18:21.774)
like talking to one of the other speakers, they were like, she was nervous. So I think just like there was like a little bit of a camaraderie practicing the night before the day of like, I think that really helped because I think you're always imagining the worst case scenario. And I think just like putting myself in the shoes that I'm going to be in was like the most helpful. That's good. That's good to know. Yeah. So I did it. I got through it. I'm happy for you. Thank you. I'm happy for me too. It was a big deal. I would have never thought I would do something like that. So.

That's amazing. Yeah. Can I tell you a funny story? What? That's going to make you be like, are you kidding me? What? I don't know if I've told you this before or on the podcast. I'm not afraid of public speaking. Yeah. But I, when I was like in high school, I was asked to be the representative for teen safe driver in Connecticut. That's so sweet. I had made this video and, um, it was like submitted for a contest to talk about like safe driving and the importance of like, you know,

following the rules when you were getting your license as a teenager. And so I was invited to the state Capitol to give like this press conference and be like the keynote speaker as a teenager. Yeah. On behalf of my high school. And you're like, cool. Yeah. And we're getting there. My mom drove me and she's like really proud and I'm in my like school uniform and she's like, so what'd you write down? And I was like, what? And she was like, yeah, like what's your speech for today? And I was like, I don't know.

And she was like, wait, what? And I was like, I was supposed to rate something and I just got up there and won it. And like to this day, I just remember like getting up there and just going for it. See, if you're a person who doesn't have a fear of public speaking, that's probably fine. I'm not recommending it. When I got up there, I like, oh shit, like I probably should have prepared, I should have practiced. Yeah.

but I just got up there in front of like all these adults and like, governmental leaders of our state. And I was like, no. But there are people who can do that. Like clearly you did it. So you're someone who is very capable of doing that. I am, but it's just interesting to me hearing you because you're like, I didn't even know what the stage was going to look like and that made me nervous. And I'm like, huh, I didn't think about that. I know. It's, I mean, it's like,

Glad we Talked (20:44.75)
It's like any other anxiety. Like it's like when you think, cause I know you have social anxiety and it's like when you think of putting yourself in social situations, like what is it that you think about? I get nervous that people are going to think that I'm weird or like they're not going to like me and that like I'm embarrassing and awkward. Right. So like I'm not cool enough. Right. So I have a fear of why is this person up here? It's almost like imposter syndrome. It's like, who is she to talk?

Who is she to tell us anything? Well, she has multiple years in the beauty industry and willing to get their key people to talk about topics in the beauty industry. So that's, that's what you're also not awkward or weird and you're very funny and you're great friends. So why would you be nervous in a social situation? Cause people are mean. Exactly. But like social, like I, yeah, I know. I'm trying to correlate it because it's, it's kind of like you have the same fears, but just in different situations. I think it's so funny because like,

for you, like where my anxiety comes out is like social situations. Yeah, it's like a party. It's like with people where there are no stakes, like there's no one recording. There's no, there's no stakes. Very low stakes. You just have to be like, Hey, how are you? What do you do for work? And like, I can't. You just have to make small talk and you're like, God, no. And you're like, this is, this is great. Like fine. And then I'm like, put me on stage. I'll lead this thing. And you're like, but what are people going to think about me? It's so funny. I know.

And like, because I would consider you extroverted and you're for me, like, I would think that's your like being on stage would be great for you. So it's funny that you say that. But I mean, I guess it doesn't always apply because you say that you have social anxiety and you're nervous about what people think about you. But when I was talking to my therapist about my fear of public speaking, because I used to have to do it a lot of my old job that I had to get a therapist to work through it. She said it's because.

because I was like, I'm extroverted, I don't get why I'm, I can talk to people, why is it so nerve -racking for me to get in front of people and talk? It's the same thing. And she was like, well, a lot of extroverts just care what people think about them. That makes sense. Yeah, and introverts aren't as much like that, because Martin's not scared of public speaking either. Oh, interesting. And he also has, he doesn't like doing small talk, he doesn't like, he looks the same way. Martin and I are very similar. Yeah, so I'm like,

Glad we Talked (23:00.526)
would you get nervous for this? He's like, no. And I'm like, I don't understand this. So it's just funny. I think there's also like a lot of smaller fears at play, things that you grew up with your childhood. And like I said, there's like a lot of other things at play. It's not just extroverted, introverted, but I've just, it's just been like that since, I mean, I think since college, I took a public speaking course and I remember being scared. So. You've talked to me about it before too. And we've talked about it a lot. On the podcast. Yeah. We've talked about it a lot.

this fear. So I'm glad that you were having a positive experience and you feel like you're growing in that area. I think I'm doing it more and the more I do it and the more successful it is, the less I think I'll be scared of it. Yeah. I mean, we're going to get into this later on the episode. Um, because like leading up to it, you're, you, I know you were nervous about it and I was like, it's, you're going to do fine. You're going to, it's fine. You're going to be great. And that wasn't the support you needed in that moment. No, I think it's not even about that. I think.

I maybe, I think you didn't know that it is an actual anxiety for me. I think you think I just get like nervous, but like it's actual, it's fight or flight for me. Like I'm literally like, how can I leave the situation? Yeah. And I, we're, we're going to get into this. What Chanel and I had a disagreement about this in our communication because I wasn't supporting her. That's not true. You were supporting me. I was supporting you. I just didn't realize because of who you are in this extroverted personality, like why you would be so nervous about it.

Yeah, I mean, we can talk about it now. You want to talk about it now? Yeah, we have other things to talk about. We're segmenting and... All right, well, this worked well. Do you want to introduce it or do you want me to? Yeah, I mean, I think... You're like, yeah, let me unload it. No, I mean, no, I'm not going to unload at all. I think for me, like, I need a lot of validation in my life. And it's not always fair to put those expectations on my friends. And I know that about myself. So when I was texting you that I was doing it, you're like, you'll do fine.

And then you were like, so what about this real? And I'm like, is she just like completely just saying that I'm doing this? But I think I wasn't because you answered that way. I thought you weren't like interested in it. But after speaking to you now, knowing that it was just because you didn't know how nervous I was going to be. But I didn't want to elaborate more on it because I thought you didn't want to know about it. I know. And it's not, I think I'm not used to giving reassurance. Like if you're going to need a lot of validation, we're going to do it really quickly and we're going to talk about it.

Glad we Talked (25:27.086)
And that this, it's not fair for me either to be like making someone move through their emotions really quickly. But I know you need a lot of validation as a friend, but sometimes I downplay it because it's like, I want you to feel confident. So in me saying like, you're going to do fine. You have a podcast. Like for me, those were ways to be like supportive and like, you can do this.

I didn't add exclamation points, which are the key to any validation when you're giving it to Chanel as exclamation points and emojis. So I just was like, you're gonna do fine. You have a podcast, just they're people, like whatever. And that's like for me, that would work. Cause it'd be like, you're right. That's gonna be fine. But for you, I did kind of just move through it quickly thinking that, and I know it's a fear to you, but you've done it so much that I'm like, how can this still be a fear?

but it is because I'm still afraid to go to parties and have small talk. So I should be more understanding of that. And I don't think it was fair to you. So anyways, Chanel and I had a big blowout kind of around this. Yeah. And I think what we noticed is that we don't communicate that well through text. I think like if I called you and I said this and I was on the phone with you and I heard your tone and you're like, you're going to be fine. You're going to do great. That's different than how I read it in text. So I think sometimes like when you're talking to someone,

the communication through text can sometimes get lost. And I think that's why I like exclamation points so much, because it always like sends the tonality of what you mean versus like how I read it was like, you'll do fine. It was like very dismissive to me, but like that's not how you meant it at all. I know I meant it with an exclamation point. You meant it like, oh my gosh, you'll be fine. You're going to do great. Right. Because when we did, so Chanel and I have these, um, I don't know, what would you call them? What do we have?

I feel like we have these like really emotional, we have fights like you and I get in fights. Every like once every year, maybe once every eight months. Sure. Does that sound right? Sure. Yeah. I think more because of the podcast now because we have another. But not like this level of fight. What do you mean? Like this, I thought you weren't going to be my friend. Yeah. So, okay. So.

Glad we Talked (27:36.161)
So Tori thought I said that she wasn't being a supportive friend, but what I said was I thought you would be more happy for me. And I took that as like, I took happy for you being meaning supportive. Yeah, which I really didn't mean because I think you are a supportive friend. Yeah, which made me really sad because like that's like for me, the one thing I like really pride myself on is that even though I don't have a lot of friends, I feel like I'm very supportive and the very Tori specific way of being supportive, you know.

but that's why I'm friends with you. I do think you're supportive and that's why I was so surprised when I was that you weren't happy for me and that's why I said that. the exclamation points. Yeah. And I think it really is a miscommunication of tux because I think if we were on the phone, this probably wouldn't have happened. Probably not. But I think a lot of it was a miscommunication and I think both of us were a little bit scared to maybe like say some things that we were thinking. So we were both not seeing everything that was on our mind. Yeah. And because of that, it led to...

a bigger thing that it didn't need to be. Yeah. It escalated into like, yeah, this whole thing where my feelings were like, I knew you were mad at me and you knew I was like mad at you, but not even mad. It was just like upset. And it was like, we both were trying to talk it through and it was just not working. So we were both like, okay, let's just talk about this later. Yeah. And then I got like, you don't know how to talk about things later. I don't know the one who wants to talk about it. I get anxious that if we leave it, then I'm like not going to be your friend.

which I told you on the phone. So you thought that. And then we had our conversation on the phone and I was like, I'd much rather stop the podcast and not be your friend. And you're like, that made me feel so much better. I was like, really? Yeah, because I get PTSD. And if you haven't listened to our friendship breakup episode, and you've been through a friendship breakup, listen to that. But I get like into my head immediately. I'm like, oh my God, this person isn't going to want to be my friend because they're finding it difficult to be friends with the person I am, which I don't think I'm a difficult.

friend. It's just like, I know there's things about me that aren't the cup of tea for everyone, especially you. Like I know, you know, and like some things about you aren't my cup of tea, but we make it work. And I like had reassurance from like Mitch and he was like, Chanel's not going to not be your friend. You're not going to, she's not going to break up with you. And I was really nervous that you were going to be like, you know, that's not even where my mind went. I know. But just for me, that's where it went. I know. But like, I just, I would fight for our friendship more than, than that.

Glad we Talked (30:00.969)
like to have a little disagreement and not be your friend anymore. Yeah, I know. So don't think that. But I think like what we came out of it realizing is like, number one, maybe we should talk on the phone more. It's so funny. People listening are probably like, you guys have a podcast and you're almost breaking up through text message. I know it was, it got intense. Yeah. What made me laugh is that you told Mitch that you were like scared cause I fight. I did. Oh my God. I,

So here's the thing. So here's the thing. When Chanel and I have these once a year, every eight month fights, I know going into it, it's like a boxing match. Yeah. Like I'm like, I need to put Vaseline underneath my eyes. I need to like do some jump rope. Like I felt it. I was like, yeah, I was like, all right, let's go. And I knew it. And it's not, it's not because like I was, it's not like we're going to beat each other up, but like you will what?

everything out there and you're stubborn as hell. I'm like, I don't know what I am, but like, I like bottle things up because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And then when I let it out, I'm like expletives, you're like, stop swearing at me. I'm like, I'm not swearing at you. I'm swearing at the situation. I don't like it. I'm like, I'm not, I'm trying not to swear at you. And it's like, for me, it's like, it's just so bottled up. And there was one point in the conversation where I finally let go.

throwing right hooks, left hooks, going back and forth. It was intense. I think we're just both passionate about what we were feeling. And I think what we uncovered was that it was a bigger issue. And I'm glad we spoke about it on the phone because we really worked through it. I got to the first outburst of pent -up tension and frustration. And then I was like, and this is the real reason I said that. And I just started like, like.

baby, I don't even know what type of crying. It was like a therapeutic cry. Yeah, you needed that. I did. I was like, I'm just afraid, okay, that you're going to break up with me. You're going to forget about me as your friend. And you're like, what is wrong with you? But I do want to make this point too, because you were like, when you were upset at me initially for the original thing, it was like something about the podcast and whatever.

Glad we Talked (32:18.377)
And I was like, I just don't feel like you're mad at me about this. I was like, you can't, I was like, there's no, I was like, this isn't making sense to me, Tori. And you were, and then I, we talked through it and then I was like, okay, so you're asking me to do this. I did that. I did this. I did that. I was like, where did I go wrong? And you were like, I don't know. And then you, you stayed silent for a while and then you were like, okay, this is what it is. And I think like talking through it helped you realize what was actually like bothering you. And I think for me talking through it helped me realize like that.

you were happy for me. You were saying it in your own way and you didn't realize how nervous I actually was. So I think talking on the phone helped us communicate so much better. Sometimes you just need to talk it out. And I think if you're ever going through a period of a fight with a friend and you want to talk about it, you telling me that my worst outcome wasn't going to happen, what was the worst thing? For me, it was that you weren't going to be my friend anymore and we weren't going to be friends, we weren't going to have the podcast, whatever.

And you were like, I'm not going to like, the thing is I'm not going to not be your friend, but like, I'd rather not do the podcast if it's going to be this stressful for us right now. And I was like, no, I, you know, I was like, okay, so the worst of my fears is out of the way. And we were able to talk about those things and like work through it and say what we had to say. Like you were also like, you know what I want, I felt, and I expressed to you was like, I feel like I can't say what I want to say because I don't want to hurt your feelings. And you were like, no, say it. And I knew you.

if I said it, you weren't going to not be my friend. And I was able to do that. So you created a safe space for me to feel safe. And you knew that for me that like those are fears. So whether you consciously or subconsciously knew that just having that safer space and like that mutually agreed upon, like we're still going to be friends at the end of this made it easier to have this conversation. Yeah. And I think, um, I wanted to make sure you knew that your feelings were validated and I wanted to make sure you knew that I,

would always listen to you and make sure that you felt heard, but I wanted to make sure it was about the right thing. Because when you first came to me, it just didn't feel like that That was the wrong thing. Yeah, and even you were like, I don't know why I said that. And I think as we were talking about it, you were realizing more and more what it was really about. And I just wouldn't, I wouldn't feel right to me to just be like, yeah, you're right, your feelings are valid if that's not actually...

Glad we Talked (34:41.033)
what the reality was. I don't want to just say yes, yes, yes, if that's not actually like something that you're upset at. I wanted it to make sense. I wanted you to make sure that you got out everything that you wanted to say. It was like a therapy session. Yeah, it kind of was. It was an hour and a half.

I know. I was like, is this still happening? You're like, your mom called you're like, I'll call you back. I know. I accidentally, cause like it always cheers me up when it's like, end and accept, hold and accept. Yeah. And I'm like, what do I press? And then I accidentally pressed and then I accepted. I was like, mama call you back. She's like, okay, bye. She probably didn't even know you were mad. She was like, okay, bye mama. Anyway, it was therapeutic. I'm glad we said everything we wanted to say. And we're, I'm glad we can laugh about it now.

I'm glad the best part after the fight, like we started laughing and I knew that was going to happen too. So I was like, okay, the rocky moment, like preparing for the fight. And then I'm like, okay, after this, she and I are going to like start laughing. You said fighting with me is like getting a flu shot. Fighting with Chanel is like, you know how many of my friends are going to relate to this. Yeah. So like, here's the thing. And I don't know. You said you don't fight like this with all of your friends. And I, I believe it because.

I said to you, I like, I empathize with Martin because I feel like you and I have this type of relationship where it's like, since Martin and I are very similar, I can only imagine, you know. Okay. And you were like Mitch, Mitch was like trying to defend you when I was talking. He was like, ah, Mitch knew that's not what you're mad at. I know Mitch was like Tori. I'm like, no, I'm not a you too, Mitch. Thanks Mitch. Anyway, so fighting with Chanel is like getting the flu shot. It's like you get like you're going and you're like,

I gotta go get the flu shot, it's gonna hurt, like it's gonna suck. I might feel sick after, but ultimately you're gonna be better out, like you'll be better afterwards. And that's how I felt. My mom used to tell me that I should be like a lawyer or something, cause I really like come with points and I'm like ready to defend myself and like ready to go. I knew what the whole thing was gonna be too. It's like I played it on my head and I'm like, this is not gonna be fun. Yeah. And I'm like, all right. We did it though. We did it. We did it Jo. But the best part.

Glad we Talked (36:52.297)
I was saying the best part about the end of this fight was when I got to say, I'm glad we talked about it. Oh yeah. I'm I'm glad we talked. I know. That's the best part. We just gave you guys a huge TMI, but I know, but hopefully this, this helps you guys with your friend fights. They're like, what is wrong with you? They're like, we don't fight like this with our friends. So what are the big, I think let's like give some take homes or takeaways from fighting with each other. Okay. Number one.

Number one. Want to say that's count of three? What? I want to see if like your number one is my number one. Okay. One, two, three. Communication. Save space. space. For communication. So I was like, what am I saying? All right. So yours is free to save space. Yeah. Okay. Communication. Yeah. Yeah. Probably. I think those will go hand in hand. Yeah. So if you're fighting with a friend, I think it's really important to go into it and

you know, maybe say what the worst case is for each other. Like, what are you afraid of in having this conversation? Right. Do you think that could create a safe space? Yeah, I think if both people are honest and but I mean, I think that's also who knows, because maybe the other person might want to end the friendship. Like, we don't know what other people are kind of dealing with. But I think I think, yeah, what I said to you came out accidentally. Like, it wasn't like on purpose that I said.

the worst outcome for you. It was kind of like, it just happened. But I think just being as honest as you can and communicating maybe on the phone versus text is helpful. Yeah, Communication, very important. Do not do this through text. We tried and it failed. Yeah, it's not good. No. Two. What's number two? Mine was going to be create a safe space. Okay, so fine. Number one, communication. Maybe talk on the phone instead of text. Number two, create a safe space for each other.

Yeah. What would number three be? If you feel like it's not getting resolved, then what do you do? I think that's when you have to start asking like that's, and this is where I've had with the friendship breakup, if it's not getting resolved, like I've had conversations with people where we were in a fight and it's like, I wasn't getting heard. I, it felt like fighting with a brick wall. It was like, I wasn't.

Glad we Talked (39:16.521)
going to get the apology I deserved, it wasn't what I was going to need. That's when you have to have the conversation. It's like, okay, is this worth it? Like actually evaluating the friendship. For us, we knew it was like, we're like, that's, that's not even on the table. Yeah. Well, at some point it wasn't on the table. It wasn't. And then, um, yeah, I think you just have to evaluate. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I think, um, for us, like making sure that what we were fighting about was actually what was the issue. Yeah.

making sure that you're getting to the root of if it's a bigger issue than what you're actually saying it is. Yeah. And if there are multiple things, get everything you have to say out. I wrote notes on my notepad before. You did? Yeah, talking. Oh, I did write them on my notepad. Yeah. I was like, and conversation was the number one. I've done that before. When we've had a conversation, I've always wrote down my thoughts beforehand because I know like,

going into a conversation, you think you have all these points and you want to say all these things. And then you're in the conversation, you're like, what was I going to say? So I think just making sure that you write it down so that you get everything you want out is important. I agree with that because you don't want anything left on the table or, and then you're like, Oh, I forgot to say this. Totally. And then you walk away and you're like, damn, I never said that. And then you like rehash it. Yeah. Yeah. So I think, um, making sure you get out everything you want to say is, is definitely important. Yeah. It's okay to be mad at your friends. Yeah. Right.

Yeah, it happens. Of course it happens. We're all humans. We all have our own crap. We all, um, you know, operate in our own way. We have expectations. We don't have expectations. Like it's this whole thing and we're just like trying to navigate and it's very, I think, common to get upset with a friend over something. And instead of talking crap behind their back, it's probably best to, you know, bring it up and say something and work through it. Yeah. And I think like leaving it up, don't bring too many outside forces into the fight you have.

Yeah. You're saying like, if it's really something that has to be handled between two people, let it just be between you and the friend. And if anyone else is involved, sure, bring them in, but like sometimes it's easier to work it out. Um, I mean, for us, I'm sure we've, I know I voiced it to Mitch and he was like, you're wrong. So, um, but I, I wasn't really expecting to get great advice from him in that moment. Um, I was like, this is a Chanel on me fight. It's not you.

Glad we Talked (41:36.329)
Well, I mentioned it to Martin. He's right here. Hi, Martin. And he's like, make sure you go into it and you talk nicely. That's so funny. Thanks, Martin. I appreciate that. Yeah, he knows me. So he's like, Tori's a sensitive flower. I know how she feels. But I didn't really talk to anyone else about it because I was just kind of internalizing it on my own. Anyway, so that's our.

That's not on that. That's not on that. Like you would say. Yeah. That's our little... It was our little fight. I just wanted to let the people know that we have our moments too. Yeah. And we got through it. We did. And you can too. Guys, the podcast is still on. Chanel threatened the podcast. How dare she? I wanted to salvage my French obituary. Yeah. And the sake of you guys. She was sacrificing all of our listeners.

can laugh about it. Yeah, it's the best part is once you get through it and you're stronger for it and now everything has been put on the table. I wasn't even nervous driving over here today. I was like I'm not even... I know, why is it like how do you think it's gonna be? I'm like fine. Are you nervous? I'm like I'm good. I just like you're like Tori's gonna like to forget it even happened. Just come in and be like all right moving on. I think we've gotten in fights before so it's like... Yeah, I just knew we knew that we knew what was gonna happen. You did say something that made me laugh too. You were like...

10 years later and we're still arguing about me not writing exclamation marks. I know that's what I felt. I like, how are we having the same conversation? Cause we had this fight. Um, I, we, I remember we had this fight at our first job at outside, like this little cafe area we had in our building. I know, but it was about me not like being perky enough in my texts. No, this is going to make me sound bad. It's not that you're not perky enough. It's, it's just that like sometimes when I say things it's like,

I don't know if you care or not. Yeah, that's essentially. Yeah. It's not like, can you be more excited? It's more like, do you care that I'm telling you this? Like as my friend, do you care? And I do. I know, but it doesn't always come across like that because your tacks are so dry. I know. But then you're like, I don't know, just add like some explanation points and parts. And I remember this. And so it's to this day I did. And this is also something I wanted to tap into. It's like, if you are willing to make a friendship work and there's no thing, if you know things about yourself that you need to do in order to like,

Glad we Talked (44:00.105)
make someone else happy and like make them know that you care about them in a relationship. Like first, like make sure that that person has expressed their needs and you know what needs need to be met and then figure out how you can do it. So like for me, I changed my okays to KK exclamation point and little things, not that this is the whole fight, but like there are little things that I do consciously to make sure that you know that I care and that I'm trying to make the relationship easier. Yeah. And I do try and like understand that.

when you write certain texts, I'm like, she's, this is just how she writes it. Like I can't get hung up on like every word and every text you send. Cause I'm like, this is just how she communicates through texts. It's actually like a small anxiety of mine that like my friends are mad at me. So like when you're not using those excitement things, I'm just like, she hates me. It was funny. But anyways, yeah, that those were just some, some final thoughts I had. Okay. Yeah.

Thanks guys for listening to us. We clearly have a lot to say on the matter. But I don't know, I just, we just thought it'd be like nice to talk through it on the podcast and have you guys like get a inside peek into what we went through. So yeah, we talked about early on how different we are and this is just one of the, one of the many, many ways. So, so you want to plug our stuff? Yeah. Okay. You can follow us on Instagram and Tik Tok at Glad We Talked podcast. Maybe we'll do a poll if you like exclamation points or don't.

How do you text? Everyone always sides with you. I'm never the one that people side with. I don't think that's true. Like the rinsing the cup thing. Everyone was like, Chanel, you're crazy. But that was very specific. This is like, no, you should be nice in your text messages. You should put exclamation points. And you can watch the videos on YouTube at Glad We Talked podcast. And you can email us at gladwetalkpodcast .gmail .com. And don't forget to read and review us. I feel like we say this every week, but...

Guys, if you're enjoying the podcast, please rate and review us and give us five stars. So really be beneficial to us. Or comment and like our videos on YouTube. That would be great too. Just send us all the exclamation points. Yeah. Bye guys. Bye.

Glad we Talked (46:15.721)
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Say it again. Hello. One that you gave me. Smells good. I was going to compliment you on it. Oh, thank you. I was going to ask you if you had any more new perfumes. So, um, yeah. So my therapist gave me this coping magnet. Oh, sorry. Not that I'm talking. It's totally fine. Let's make sure they look cute. Let's make sure they look cute.

Glad we Talked (46:48.265)
Yeah.